Intro
I’ve wanted to write this blog post for a long time, and it’s a very different type for me - personal, not technical.
It’s primarily intended as something for me to look back on in future years - the life lessons I’ve learned up to the age of 33, and how they will go on to morph and change.
But if it helps someone else, great.
Index
Lessons
There’s a fair bit of overlap between these, but I think they’re distinct and important enough to have their own little sections.
In very rough order…
You are the only constant, and the only constant is you
This is a phrase I coined and use whenever I’m talking to people where I can see that their boundaries are being “challenged”, either by themselves or others. For example, someone being mistreated by a partner, or a colleague struggling with the pressures of being a leader / manager.
It means that everything, literally everything - family, friends, partners, jobs, houses, etc - comes and goes, but the only thing that will always be in your life is you, so make decisions with that in mind.
I learned this because, for most of my life and in all aspects, I sacrificed my wellbeing to keep the peace, and it’s a price I still pay every single day, in ways I never expected.
This is something that I’m currently practicing. Could I have gritted my teeth and endured like always? Probably (but with a cost). Did I need to? No, so I stood back, and I’m looking after myself.
That’s not to say don’t make sacrifices for other people. Just make sure it’s for a genuinely good reason.
Conflict deferred is conflict amplified
(Oh, boy. This is one I’m still trying to embed.)
Basically, if you don’t have an honest conversation with someone about something that’s bothered you, chances are that it will fester and grow and morph into something far larger and skew your perception, and it will probably explode spectacularly and at the worst time.
Just try to wait until you’re no longer actively bothered, and then have the conversation - don’t fall into the trap of thinking to yourself “well, it’s over now”, because it will happen again and again. If it goes well, great. If it doesn’t, maybe it’s not meant to be, and it’s time to cut your losses before they take even more of a toll on you.
Be kind
You never know what someone is going through. They could be going through a break-up or have a mental health condition or have just received a bad diagnosis or have just had a death in the family.
And while we’re at it, if something needs to be said, do so truthfully but empathetically. Don’t just be “nice” and say something that isn’t true but makes someone feel better briefly.
Communication
Just going to rattle off a few things here:
Communication is half how you say it and half how they take it.
Everyone thinks differently and sees the world through the lens of their own experiences.
No one is a mind reader, so be clear.
The order you say things matters. Put their minds at rest straight away if you can.
Talk to people, about everything. Don’t worry about how it might make you or someone else look. It’s vital to get the perspectives of others. What you think is normal may very well not be..
Everything is more complex than it seems
I’ve never found an exception to this rule. From something that already seems very complex like orbital mechanics to something “relatively” simple like a relationship dynamic.
One of my favourite sayings is “Be curious, not judgemental”. It’s a great code to try to live by.
Perfect is the enemy of good
More often than not, something is better than nothing. For example, if you go to the gym for the first time and try to do the “perfect” / best workout then chances are it will be too difficult and you won’t go back.
Try fast, fail fast, learn fast.
Consistency over intensity.
Do something as soon as you can
Whether it’s looking into that relatively unimportant technical alert (blog post on that in the future at some point) or reminding someone that you love them.
Try not to wait. You never know what can (and does) happen, and you’ll regret not doing so.
Authenticity wins
“Be yourself” - how cliché. But it’s true.
Sure, you can pretend that you are something you’re not, and you might get what you think you want in the short term, but you’ll waste a lot of time and won’t really be happy. Short-term pain, long-term gain. Take your time finding your people - it’s worth it.
And the same goes for products and services.
People can sense this stuff, and authenticity builds trust and deeper relationships.
Reframe
Having difficulty getting yourself or someone else to do something? Reframe it as a positive.
A couple of examples:
If you need to have a difficult conversation, instead of thinking something like “this will probably be uncomfortable and upset me”, reframe and think something like “this is me learning to stand up for, value, and respect myself”.
If you’re struggling under pressure, instead of thinking something like “I can’t take a break or seek help because that’d be weakness”, reframe and think something like “it takes real strength to recognise limits and reach out”.
You don’t know
And that’s fine. No one knows everything.
Learn to embrace it. Admitting that you don’t know or aren’t sure about something is very freeing and actually makes people trust you more.
You don’t ask, you don’t get
Ask for what you want. Sometimes it’ll go wrong, but most times you’ll be surprised what you get.
On salaries specifically: high-ball - an effective negotiating tactic where you ask for more than you want so when they negotiate down to what you actually want then they think they’ve done well.
People are people
No matter what country someone is from, where they went to school, how much money they have, how they dress, what job title they have, whether they’re religious, or whether they’re famous. People are people.
Some will be insanely skilled, others will be incompetent. Some will be incredibly kind and generous, others will be horrible. All are emotional and flawed and have their own story. None are perfect.
In Obama’s words: “They just folk”.
Race Across The World continues to be my favourite example of this.
Money doesn’t get quality
I’ve been to ridiculously expensive restaurants and worked with people who are paid eye-watering amounts of money, and I can personally attest that it’s absolutely no guarantee of quality.
In my experience, fairly often it’s actually the opposite - some of the best food I’ve eaten and some of the best people I’ve worked with are underrated and underpaid. Although, I will concede that I believe expectations play heavily into this.
Say no, stay silent
When you learn to do this, it’s very powerful and useful. From calling out that something has made you uncomfortable, to ensuring that you stay focused on priorities, to holding people accountable.
If you get pushback, learn to be comfortable sitting in silence, and they will concede first.
Sign-off
Well, that’s all I’ve got for now. It may be an interesting read in 5 or 10 years time. Will I still agree with everything? What else will I have learned? Time will tell.
Until next time…